| To my friends that I miss |
[Jun. 21st, 2007|01:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  restless | ] |
I don’t know what to say anymore except I’m sorry. I know I haven’t been around for The Rabble or anything else. It is just easier for me not to put myself through hurting so bad every week. I will still visit everyone when invited but if I’m not called personally and invited I wont been there, not that I’m being catty, it’s just that I wont get any messages from anyone else. Erik and I are not going to see each other for a while so don’t assume he will invite me of let me know when things are. I miss everyone. I just can’t maintain a social life and avoid hurting. It’s just sad that even though I didn’t start this whole thing I’m the one that has to give things up. So much for not having to give up anything in a relationship but I find myself giving things up out of one. I’m not mad at anyone. I just want to make that clear. I just can’t put myself through well… (Erik stop reading if you don't want to know)
RASCAL FLATTS LYRICS
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do
It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do
Ooohhh.... |
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| Life if to short to be cheated. |
[Mar. 7th, 2007|08:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
With all of this resent wake up call to how precise and short life is I would think I would have nothing on my mind but that. Things must be really stressful for some one if they are still asking questions. Maybe this event sparked more questions for him, who knows. All that I know is I truly love this man or I would have never be doing what he has asked of me. I fell like I should be a good friend during his time of need (though I would rather my previous title of girlfriend back) with all this I realize how petty everything is and how in this time nothing in the universe could keep me from the one I love beside him. My mistake was petty, but it still caused me to lose the one thing I’ve loved most. All I can pray for is forgiveness. And pray that time can heal. If only i could have read his words that day i would never have done what i did. "Into Each Life... a Little Rain Must Fall." I can’t help but ask what made this so bad. why fate had me not see the words i needed that day. maybe i'm working to hard. I’ve never let my self truly love him until last year. I thought I would get hurt like with so many. What I should do besides work on myself is truly not clear but I feel as if all I can do is wait for now. Hopefully the forgiveness in myself will come and forgiveness from him. All I can do now is learn from my mistakes, and wait. I only hope I’m doing the right thing. Aren’t I? |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 3rd, 2007|06:41 am] |
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havn't been able to sleep... keep telling myself it has to be a bad dream but the stomachache and the feeling of incredible loss hasn't gone away... |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 3rd, 2007|02:13 am] |
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i finaly had things going it the right direction and i blew it. i'm sutch a fuckup... i have never regreted anyhthing... but tonight. i wish i could trun back the pages. maybe to a point i was never in his life. never fall in love so that way i could have never hurt him. then again i would have been long dead before we even celibrated our one year aniversery.. there is no taking back the times i've hurt him. i've pushed passed my limmits put my body threw hell and lost everything i have left to care about. i'm not doing well at school... why bother... i lost the man i love more then he will ever know, and i made the biggest mistake of my entire life tonight... and i can't take it back... i hope one day he will forgive me becuase with out that i may never forgive myself... but i dabt i deserve even that. what i wouldn;t give to hear the words "i love you: but what did i ever do to deserve them? disapairing is something what needs to be done weather for tonight or forever... i lost... game over... |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 3rd, 2007|12:40 am] |
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It's amazing. it takes till your ready to kill your self do you reallize why you hert so bad and that you were blaming the wrong people. I blamed draven because i thought he was the cause of why i hurt but he was the fule. We seperated and i thought what have i done to make him so mad. i began to hate myself in every way. ,aybe it was my anger maybe it was the way i look .. i did put on 50 lbs. and a mouth of no explination i still wonder and i come up with a spandid list of how many different ways i could have hurt him and how i never wanted too... never ment to... but i did.... dose that make me as bad as arial.., or Sarah? they hurt him so bad and almost hat them for it... wow i hate my self for ever hurting him.... his words echo in my mind when i do and near the end i realize.... my be if i stoped existoing could i stop hurting him... maybe.... after seeing the hurt in his eyes tonight.... i should't exist.... maybe that is why he is like this... it's all my fault... |
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| blah |
[Feb. 13th, 2007|11:20 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sick | ] |
still sick... worse... bed...mmm comfy... i have class... CRAP! i might have to take the Depo shot again. the stress and my body trying to regulate my hormones after being off the shot is not working. I think it is making me feel worse... i know it is so bad for me... but i may not have a choice. maybe i can find a way to get the money... somehow. |
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| Sigh |
[Feb. 12th, 2007|11:42 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sick | ] |
i wasn't able to sleep much at all. i realize how much the stress is taking a toll on me. my throat blew up like a balloon again (the virus is back.) I feel like i want to stay in bed today but i have school. it's a motivator, not a great one, but it will suffice. besides i want to have a beer tonight at Monday night rabble at good old O'Brian's Tavern. hopefully i will have the chance to be there on time thats if my class get's out at 9pm like it's supposed to. |
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| My Gear |
[Jul. 19th, 2006|01:32 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  busy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | FlyLeaf - So Sick | ] |
This is the picture I'm going to use on my wrestling gear. It's going on my kickPads and also on my tights. What do you think?
how much do you know about slayers?
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| Y not |
[Jun. 17th, 2006|02:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | nothing | ] |
1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
::looks in mirror:: .... *cherp,cherp,cherp* hehehe.... Bed Head
2. When is the next time you will have sex?
How the hell could I possibly know that? (said cynthtastic)
I agree it's not like a planed thing! Hum, what do I have to do today?
Wake up, brush my teeth, get ready, clean the house, lunch, walk the dog, sex, dinner....
3. What's a word that rhymes with "DOOR"?
Lanor?
4. Favorite planet?
Dose Kripton count?
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your mobile?
Draven3
6. What is your favorite ring on your phone?
none my phone is a mono POS
7. What kind of shirt do you have on?
Flaming Punisher T
8. What do you "label" yourself?
You First!
9. Name the brand of shoes you're currently wearing?
I'm not currently wearing shoes.
10. Bright or Dark Room?
ummm sunny... kind of.... WHY SUCH A HARD QUESTION!?!?!
11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
She is chill in my book.
12. If you're alone in a room with two beds, which one do you sleep on?
The one closest to the door in case of "NONE PLANED" fun.
13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Watching TV at the revvoice s house.
14. What did your last text message say that you received on your mobile?
"Ok" yes I have great fun texting
15. Where is your letter box?
By the door silly
16. What's a word that you say a lot?
"stop tickling me!!!" thanks Draven3
17. Who told you he/she loved you last?
Draven3
18. Last furry thing you touched?
Eather our ferret Beast or Draven3 s new puppy
19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
2: alcohol and caffeine
20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
Digital... nuph said
21. Favorite age you have been so far?
21 less to worry bout
22. Your worst enemy?
Me.
23. What is your current desktop picture?
X-men Kitty Peter
24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
"Make some pasta with tuna." "ok" "bye"
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, which would you take?
I'd take the million I'm BROKE!
26. Do you like someone?
No I just have my way with him for fun :P
27. The last song you listened to?
"Fully Alive" by flyleaf. My Wrestling theme music
28. If the last person you spoke to was being shot at, would you jump in front of the bullet?
yes
29. If you could punch one person in the face who would it be?
I'd rather not say
30. What is the closest object to your left foot?
bills |
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| i've got it |
[Sep. 12th, 2005|12:04 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sad | ] |
 I know why i can't sleep at night. why i cry more then a pregnent woman. why the halls and rooms of my house feel cold and empty even though i live with 4 others. why my house isn't safe, isn't home. why i come across like a bitch lately. I never thought i would say his. but i miss my father... i know i see him at least onve a week. but i miss him. i miss hearing his snoring in the middle of the night, knowing he is there and feeling safe. now the nights are so silent, so dead. i miss comming home from work or school and checking to see if my dad was napping in the room so i know to be quit. now i walk in to the room and the covers are neatly folded as they where in the moning when my mother left. i miss the way i would have an idea about a new chopper and he would sit there and lision to it puffing at his cigerette. now i get pumped about an idea but no one in the house to share it with that cares. no one witht he same interests in my house. i miss the rutean of everytime i go food shopping i make sure that i pick up my fathers things to. now the frige is half full and juice replaces the soda that was once there. buying cashues is no longer a nisessity and now we can eat all the pasta we want because he hated pasta, but it's not the same. It's been the first time in a long time i haven't had to put the seat down, or clean the sink of stray hairs becuase dad ust shaved. there is lack of the calone dad would where when we go ready to go somewhere. there also a lack of steam on the merrors and smell of leaver 2000 after my father showers in the morning. you get so used to something your whole life, and youdon't nottice it till it's gone. i know all of this seems like it's nothing big. but the fact is my father has no presents in my house any more. and home no longer feels like home. |
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| 45 |
[Aug. 26th, 2005|09:08 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | mellow | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | shine down - 45 | ] |
I love this song. thought i would share.
Shine Down
45
by Shine Down
Send away for a priceless gift
One not subtle, one not on the list
Send away for a perfect world
One not simply, so absurd
In these times of doing what you're told
You keep these feelings, no one knows
What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart
And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
Swimming through the ashes of another life
No real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45
Send a message to the unborn child
Keep your eyes open for a while
In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else
There's a piece of a puzzle known as life
Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight
What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart
CHORUS
Everyone's pointing their fingers
Always condemning me
And nobody knows what I believe
I believe
CHORUS |
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| Some times a good thing can be scary |
[Aug. 15th, 2005|07:00 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
I've gone over many times in my head where my relationship with erik is. I truly love time more the life... and i do to this day, even after a year. i was board of my x's after a year, but with him i i love him more every day and everyday something new. i've been with him and see him everyday and i still feel excited to see him. I don't know what it is sometimes, then he reminds me, his worm smile, the way he looks me in the eyes, the way he makes me feel any time we kiss. There are times i would to anything to wakeup next to him even though i wake up feeling lonely most of the time. I do admit the best sould in the word is hearing his voice and hearing his heart beating. It truly is music to my ears. All this scares me... i'm to young to be in love... Are'nt I? I don't understand these strong feelings sometimes. It might just be my insecurity of losing him. "i thought i would be getting married and have kids at 24. But i'm 24 now and way to young to settle, I have alot of time still." I agree with him, though i'm 20 and by the time he might be ready will i be? will he still be with me? Could i see us together? well yeah. would i be shore now? yeah. But is he? if so when? i don't mind a few years from now. but he and i both have this need to live large and stay young. I'de wait forever, 3-7 years... i would need to have a family. i see my self 24 or 25 having a family after being married for a year. will it happen. although on i light note i'm not having 10-20 kids like he would like. ::Smile:: keep dreaming.
Jen |
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| Santa gave me a KOD |
[Dec. 27th, 2004|03:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | giddy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | 4 Farrits a' fighten! Five err hum huaa | ] |
Hey all,
It's been quite some time since i posted last but so much has happend. Santa visited my house and bought me cloths... and ignored my cries for help and getting me something to play on my gameboy. you know but thats ok cuz I have my C.O.H. when i come home. Draven suprized the hell out of me today and got me a wemans world champ. belt for X-mas. I was singed by lita and so was one of the two pic. he got me. Over all even though things are crazy, I'm so damn happy. Draven is my angel in descize. he means more to me then life itself... and that feeling of indescibable love for him make me beleave "It dosn't rain every day." My friends have also contibuted to making my life happier. It's really nice to have friends that you can share the love of all things wrestling. Who else better to share a Orton destany chant or "Eugene Ate my Crayons" sign with. To all thoughs people i have come to talk of grandmothers and yams and maybe some....(comment and finish it!) you guest it! is something that i will always Cherish in my heart and to all those people, thank you.
~Gadget |
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| Fuzzies! |
[Oct. 5th, 2004|12:37 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
This is one of the fuzzies i cam to love. This is the fuzzie I adopted and take care of. Her last owner hasn't taken care of her or sent money for food and litter. She is my baby.
This is my BF's fuzzie. Draven3 and i take realy good care of Them and they are our babies. |
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| hey |
[Aug. 8th, 2004|11:15 pm] |
Well... life couldn't be more scrambbled. After a messy break-up with nogga (as mch as i truly loved her I couldn't take getting hurt by her all the time) I looked to someone i loved and respected... thing is, they are not female... The only male i would and will ever go out with, Draven. Being a lesbian kind of makes the idea... well non possible. He treats me well and i've never been so happy this long in a relationship before. He is just... draven... no words to describe. being one of my friends for 2 years i must say i'm lucky... and so is he (he bagged a a lezzie!) well... yeah i need to go pull him away from his video games *flashes evil grin*.
~Gadget |
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| mmmm... lust |
[Jun. 26th, 2004|03:09 pm] |
| How to make a charmedoneangel |
Ingredients:
5 parts anger
5 parts arrogance
3 parts empathy |
Method:
Stir together in a glass tumbler with a salted rim. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of lustfulness |
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| so it happens... $h!t i mean |
[May. 30th, 2004|10:43 pm] |
Making ends meet makes the world go round ... or come to a screeching hult. I can't seem to figure out why it is "when it rains, it pours." I have tried many times to understand why I seem to know what they mean by it. I hurt my back at work, I've been injured for a while now. trying my hardest not to slip into my depression again seemed to be the difficult part when not going to work turned from hours, to days, to weeks. Not the wrest thing to ever happen. My best guy friend is always mad at me for something, and all I want is to be able to say something without it being riccashayed back at me ... though don't mind it much either. I've been visiting my friend Kyle at the cemetery lately but I like the visit even though the location is an unfortunate one. One of the people I care about tried to kill her self though out of secrecy I will not say who. That didn't settle to well with my stomach. I've been stressed and getting sick again, not exactly a trip to 6 flags if you ask me. but what seems stranger is I stop breathing at night ... yeah I know WTF! But yeah I wake up not breathing but have trouble starting back up again. I mean I wouldn't think much of it only passing it off as a dream, but I found myself having this happened more frequently. I pass out after but yeah.... I know it's not a dream now because after a while I move myself to breath easier by using my pillow (that I don't use very often except when on my side or my back other then that it's on the floor *I sleep on my stumich*) and shifting my body but I wake up and the changes are still there when I wake up again. What the HELL! With so much going on at once it's hard to keep your feet on the ground.
~Gadget |
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| Hi |
[Apr. 16th, 2004|12:29 am] |
I know I haven't talked for a while and rightfully so. I would give anything to explain how I feel. there is no words to explain. I'm engaged. I'm madly in love with Nogga, although some of my friends are not happy with my choice to love her. The only thing I have to say to that ... it was not a choice, I fell in love with her and I will continue to love her for the rest of my life. Some concerns are backed with little evidence. Then I'm dealing with a hell on earth experience at work, but I'm dealing. My health is starting to slip again trying to manage different things but I'm a survivor. Also on my birthday the 27th I'm going o be doing a lot of emotional things. one is going to pay my respect to my friend Tim that past away when we were little. It is supposed to be a day of celebration and it is. I want to celebrate his life. and I think I need to face this. For 6 years I haven't been to his grave, I think I'm 6 years overdue. My abilities have been screwing with me alit but I have been able to block out the unpleasant voices. dreams though, will come as they please. Vampirism has reared it's head because of lust for blood. Unfortunately I slipped and fed a little. I felt better though. lust is a problem but I think I can control myself.
~Gadget |
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| Hi all! |
[Jan. 5th, 2004|07:57 pm] |
They call me gadget. I'm a supporter of all gltb entertainment and pride productions. I'm apart of a Team Called VSP DIVA Productions Productions. I know everyone needs a new place to visit every once and a while. We need your support. We are trying to make impersonating an art. Our goal is to move Drag from the clubs to a real production Theater. We love seeing new people and Love new and exciting performers. We are nonprofit and need people in the seats. This is our first time in a theater. We are all very happy to put on a show. If you live in the aria come check us out. We would also like to here from you. Email and info are on this site.
<http://www.freewebs.com/vspdeva/eventsshowtime.htm> |
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| two thoughts |
[Dec. 29th, 2003|07:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | busy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Bran New ~ I will Play the Game... | ] |
I’ve been searching and found that elemental magick is something I’m going to practice.
It is as a great question goes. “Would you rather be rich and alone, without even loving memories to visit? Or would you rather be poor and have a love or have loved, and have a better respect for the human condition?” People don’t seem to realize that this question is in effect every day. And even though most might choose to be poor and loved, they struggle just to stay with their head above the water and not realize that they are drowning anyway. Some people take their jobs to extremes. They will spend almost every waking minute to make sure that their work is complete. By doing so it is taking your thoughts and putting them on what work is next. Your thoughts have been literally taken over by the idea of work. Thus this laves no room for you to realize your spending less time with the people you care about. You seem to forget the fact that you are working so you can be with these people, but don’t seem to realize that you can be with them with out your work ethic follow you like the tag sticking up on your shirt. |
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charmedoneangel's journal
